The back-alley bandit strikes again!

I was enjoying thinking of whoever steals stuff from my alley as a barbarian, because it conjures up images of some kind of pickup truck decked out like a ship, which is obviously awesome. But back-alley bandit has such a ring to it. Any thoughts?

ANYWAYS. Semantics aside, another inexplicable incident has taken place in my back alley (well actually adjacent to my back alley). In my tiered planter beside my garage was a volunteer wild cucumber, which I found growing early in the spring and left to its own devices. These plants have no use that I know of, but they grow these cute little cucumbers (shown above), which is good enough for me. I had a shelf from an old fridge propped between the planter and the fence and the cucumber was growing along it as a trellis. (Classy, I know. What can I say: I’m all about creatively re-using pieces of old appliances that are already in my basement.) Someone killed the plant and stole the fridge-shelf!

What's left of the plant. Definitely looks like it was cut deliberately, right? How does this happen by accident? SEND IT TO TRACE.

What’s left of the plant. Definitely looks like it was cut deliberately, right? How does this happen by accident? SEND IT TO TRACE.

So, I have a lot of questions.

1. How dare you? (Office joke I must make whenever possible)

2. What was the intended target of this crime? Stealing the old fridge-shelf? Killing the plant? I’m so confused as both seem equally stupid and purposeless. I’m guessing the shelf was the point and the plant was collateral damage, but if that’s the case, why actually cut the plant off at the ground instead of just ripping off the part of it that was growing on the fridge-shelf?

3.Why leave behind a single prickly little cucumber (as shown at top of post)? This was basically the equivalent of kidnappers mailing me a toe.

4. This one isn’t a question, more just a me-feeling-sad kind of situation. I guess the question would be: Whaaaa?

Because they cut off the plant right at the ground level, the whole thing began to wilt and die, and I had to cut it off the trellises it was growing on.


“I’d estimate time of death as 3 to 4 days ago.”

The way the back-alley people interfere in my yard/garden is so bizarre to me. It makes me angry. It makes me confused. It makes me sad. It makes me feel like we can’t have nice things.

On a related note, my yard is full of dog poop from a dog that is NOT MY DOG. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Would a series of security cameras be overkill in this situation? What the whating what. It makes me want to fill my yard with traps, like the one they use to catch a tiger in Swiss Family Robinson.*

*I tried to find a picture of this, but I couldn’t, so instead let me just say: If you haven’t seen this movie, and don’t know what I’m talking about, you should watch it immediately. Well, ideally you should watch it in 1989 when you are seven years old and everything that happens in it will seem EVEN MORE AMAZING, but if that’s not possible, now would still be good. Catching a tiger is not even the most amazing thing that happens. There are pirates, and they are probably even worse than the back-alley barbarians, and a heck of a lot more racist! IT’S AWESOME. (Except for the racism.)

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